Racer Profile-The Wheelsucker

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The Wheelsucker (drafticus parasiticum)

Taxonomical Rank
• Species: bipedal primate
• Genus: skater
• Family: drafticus
• Order: parasiticum
• Class: bamboozeli
• Phylum: toeflikis maximus
• Kingdom: pullus minimus
• Domain: rearus rankum
• Life: hopefully short

Drafticus parasiticum has evolved as a subspecies of the genus skater. They are known throughout the skating world as a wheelsucker and are recognized by a loud sucking sound similar to what you hear when driving by any Wisconsin casino. Size and composition varies greatly, but they can clearly be identified in their natural habitat: the dorsal proximity of a more developed skater.

The wheelsucker attaches itself at the beginning of a race and usually does not let go until it is fully satiated with a finish time equal to or better than that of the host organism (exerticus tugimuchus).

The wheelsucker can be identified by several informal names and behavioral characteristics:
1. Rickshaw: they sit back and relax, you do all the work
2. Sphincter smackers: literally grabs onto your skinsuit for a free ride
3. Parasiticus multiplicitus: wheelsuckers drafting off other wheelsuckers
4. Pass and crash: drafts off you until the last few minutes of the race, then sprints ahead to get a better finish time than you. Most of these clowns tend to crash and/or burn before the finish.
5. Vanishing pull: will pull once or twice for a few seconds and rotate back and then brag about their big accomplishment
6. Grabasticus maxmimus: just a couple of extra cheeks added to your rear

These jackals of the skating world are known for nipping at the heels of stronger skaters and feasting off the fruits of their labors. Some have been known to eat their own young.

Crowbar: One recommended method of removing the wheelsucker is to stick a crowbar at the highest point on the vertical axis of the sucker, between the front of the helmet and the center of the forehead, pry, and do the same on the lowest point on the vertical axis of the sucker where their wheel is melded to your frame. Repeat until the suction of the sucker’s seal is broken. You may hear some agonizing cries of pain but this is normal and will subside in minutes. If this approach fails you may need the assistance of a surgeon skilled at separating conjoined twins with a chainsaw.

The Homer: Simply pulling a wheelsucker off by grasping it by the neck and squeezing hard can cause their teeth to become embedded in your knuckles and thus increase the risk of infection and detention.

Loogie: There is an ancient folk remedy that has been scientifically proven and is that of hawking up the largest loogie you can possibly engender. Make sure the offending wheelsucker is a close as possible before flinging this viscous globule freely into the air. You may catch some salty dribblets of splash back but it’s a surefire way to slime and remove the more virulent examples of this breed.

Farmer Blow: This method requires you to generate enough nasal back pressure to discharge enough goo. Squeeze your nostrils together with thumb and index finger. Roll your fingers one up and one down such that one nostril is opened and angled away from your face, and the other is closed. Tilting your head back and to the rear, exhale sharply and forcefully in the direction of the wheelsucker. This should hit the mark square in the face and cause a complete and immediate release.

Gas: A common but inadvisable technique is to consume large quantities of refried beans and other spicey Mexican chow and wash it down with cheap beer. This will prime your system for a pressure assisted flatulation that will have the repellant effect of pepper spray. Igniting these bursts of gas with a zippo will increase the impact and have two additonal effects, 1) it will repell the wheelsucker and, 2) provide a short burst of jet propulsion. These approaches have a high success rate but may melt your skinsuit to your cheeks. Another risk is excessisve pre-race biffy explosions that cause blue juice splash back.

Reported by none other than Dan Collins