The Collins Report-NSIM

Julian Rivera came first with a time of 59:35 and came close to breaking Chad Hedrick’s 1998 record time of 57:18. Danny Frederick was the top Minnesotan in the race with 1:09. His son Ian said that within eight or nine years he’s going to trounce his old man’s race times. Kara Peterson took first in the elite women’s category with 1:18:20 and Vickie Finnegan took fourth with 1:20:46. These two ladies cleaned the clocks of the other women in the elite categories. Other MN results:

• 1st Masters: Conrade Thomas, 1:13:33
• 1st Veterans: Jeff Terwilliger, 1:12:59
• 1st Geezer: Cale Carvell, 1:13:08 (proof that Geritol actually works)
• Open Male: Bill Callas took 5th in gender with 1:17:15 (2nd in division)
• Open Female: Mother Hen took 2nd in gender with 1:17:19 (1st in division)

Full Results

General B.S. About the Race
Despite Mike Anderson finding a rocking chair in front of his hotel room door, the race start was perfect. The temp was just right and there was a slight tailwind. The various waves started and formed pacelines that snaked up the road like long colorful centipedes. All legs moved in unison like a single large beast undulating its way to the finish. However, some of these centipedes looked like they had their heads cut off and they began flopping all over the road trying to shake the tail from the head. Other pacelines just flopped mindlessly all over the road dodging tar snakes and road cracks, unsure if they were trying to shake loose the tail or the head. Some tails tried to take over the head. Despite some epileptic centipede activities, the finish times were excellent despite a number of crashes and some unusual medical incidents.

At mile 13 Thong Nguyen had an acute appendicitis attack and doubled over in pain. His teammates had never seen this before and were unsure of what to do. They stood over him and anxiously scratched their heads in search of an idea as other skaters whizzed by. In an epiphany they decided to pitch him in the ditch, cover him with branches and leaves, then finish the race and come back for him after lunch and a few drinks. Fortunately for Thong, Dr. Bob Wheeler passed by a few minutes later and noticed a contorted hand sticking up from under the brush. Dr. Bob stopped and immediately recognizing the problem, whipped out his skate tool, sliced Thong’s abdomen just above the giblets, plunged his fist in and ripped out the offending organ. He held it in his fist above his head and let out a blood curdling victory scream. He tossed the fresh meat to a pair of waiting wolves that quickly choked it down and ran off, then sealed Thong’s slice with the four safety pins from his bib number. The amazed and grateful Thong stood up, shook Dr. Bob’s hand and skated to the finish. Dr. Bob rejoined the race and rolled on as though this was nothing out of the ordinary in the life of a Wheeler.

That was only one of many medical problems for Adam’s Inline. At mile seven Caveman Swan took a spill and left some meat on the road. Then Adam himself crashed and sacrificed a couple of knuckles and some elbow chunks to the asphalt gods. Old Man Peterson kissed the pavement and David Sarmiento took a spill too. Other skaters looking for medical attention after the race, and seeing all these wounded skaters, weren’t sure if the medical tent was the Adam’s Inline booth or somewhere else.

The race wasn’t all that bad for Caveman Swann, however. His good buddy Fred Flintstone came out to cheer him on. Dave stopped and he and Fred talked about road rash and then reminisced about the days when they used to skate on the old stone wheels they made while working at the rock quarry. Those were the days when a wheel durometer was so good you didn’t have to rotate. After a few minutes Dave and Fred shook hands, shared their good-byes as Dave pushed on and Fred continued encouraging skaters.

At mile 22 an unknown skater had to stop because a wheelsucker was stuck to his wheel. Michael Contardo, DDS., described what he saw and did. “Luckily for this wheelsucker I’m a race day dentist and was able to stop. This guy sucked wheel so hard he had his teeth literally stuck in the guy’s wheel—it was so bad he even had road rash under his chin. I always thought the term was used figuratively, but this clown really took it literally. To get him loose I had to take off my skate, put my foot on his lower jaw and pulled on his upper jaw with my hand. It took a few tries but I was able to get him loose. He lost his bicuspids in the process, but I told him he should meet me at the finish and with a little crazy glue and some duct tape I could fix him up good as new.”

Newlywed’s Matt Dickson and Christina Larson decided to do the race before they left on their honeymoon Sunday morning. Matt, always the romantic, decided to carry his new ball and chain across the finish line before they started their new term of 30 to life together.

Randy Plett was at the start sitting the little red wagon he got from Mike at the Winnipeg race, pillow under his duff, helmet on head, skates on his hands and ready to go. He was waiting for someone, anyone, to tie the rope around their waist and pull him to the finish. Nobody did. He sat up at the there for hours and hours all by himself, even after all the gear was torn down and everyone left. It wasn’t until after lunch when some guys from Adam’s Inline happened buy and asked him if he had seen Thong. He said no, but would help them look if they gave him a ride back to the DECC. They agreed and tied him to the trailer hitch.

Ted Petrosky was seen chasing a motorcycle all the way through to the finish. Several skaters said the passenger on the cycle was sitting backwards and had a cupcake on a stick and string, yelling at Ted, “C’mon boy, here boy! You can do it!” Ted managed to roll over his tongue only once as he salivated his way to a two second lead over Andrew Hanson.

James Kauth crossed the finish line with 1:13 and kept on skating past the DECC, through the barricades and up and over to Fitzger’s for a beer. When he got to the front door he thumped his way up the steps, hands on the rail, went through the front door, rolled down the creaky wood floors, bellied up to the bar and ordered a glass of dark sludge. A few hours and may beers later Martha brought him a bucket of water and a sponge so he could clean up and change out of his stinky skinsuit.

Overall finish times were fast and most people were very pleased. Race organizers had the results projected on a large screen for easy viewing in addition to the old bulletin board mosh pit (for those who prefer close contact). Despite Adam’s Inline crash test program their finish times were relatively fast.

Misc. Notes
There were also more unconfirmed sightings of Bigfoot. Some say he responded to “Buckfoot” and others said he was carrying around a little Bigfoot on his shoulders. One person said his head was completely shaved bald and added that it was probably a way to keep from getting fleas.

A final cautionary note: beware of the biffy splashback.

Reported by: Dan Collins