The Collins Report-Minnesota Half Marathon

This year’s race was hot and muggy. The air was so thick it offered as much resistance as a stiff wind. Adam K said next year’s race will have a ramp from the finish line into the river so make sure you use ceramic bearings.

Pro Elite
Dave Sarmiento was a tenth of a second behind first place Jose Botero’s 34:53.6. Both pros bolted through the course like a couple of overcaffeinated hyenas chasing down an impala for breakfeast. They stretched almost a minute between them and the rest of the pack before Rob Bell, Tyler McGinnis and Matt Meyer each caught up and stole a limb from the carcass. You could hear them laughing and growling all the way to the picnic tables.

When the spectators put on their solar eclipse eyewear you could tell Danny Frederick (6th) and his pasty white Minnesota legs were sprinting down the course. The morning sun was hitting them.

Kara Peterson took fifth behind a bunch of out of town hens.

Pro Geezer
Tony Muse took the lead with Norm Kirby and Mike Anderson close behind. The rest were the usual suspects.

Tracy Yde took first in the women’s with Peggy Girgenti in second and Susie Q Welch in third. Mother Hen grabbed fourth and Nadine of New Brunswick took fifth.

Sympathies to the gentlemen in the pro geezer group who took a spill about three miles after the start and skidded on his cheeks. Ouch! Road rash of the rump is truly a pain in the arse.

Pro Geriatric
Break out the Geritol. Morgan Williams (37:53.0) took first in the geriatric crowd. The next to reach the nursing home was Herb Gayle followed by Twiggs, Johnson and the Old Man himself, Cale Carvell. All of them were beating each other with canes to get across the finish first.

Ovid Westin took 6th with 37:55.1 (and that time includes a stop to look for a doll).

Margo cleaned house in the women’s crew with Carol Hochstein taking second.

Advanced and Open
Kudos to those in the advanced group who caught up to the pro geezer and geriatric clump of skaters. James Kauth took first with 37:27.1 with Paul Meyering following very closely behind.

Vickie Finnegan of Media Machine took first in the advanced women’s category and Rayna “The Rocket” Mayer was less than a second behind. Rayna’s entourage, Bigfoot, was sighted, but it was an unverified sighting. There was a video however it was too blurry and inconclusive. She argued that he really was there and he was laughing at people eating bananas.

Rod Anderson, one of the Woodtick Boys, recently got a UPC code tattooed to his arm. Scott Mattson said if he’s going to look like a grocery item he should be treated like one. So, before the race, Scott tied him up, put him in a big brown bag and pushed him around the course in a grocery cart (yes, the wheels were 110 mm).

Benny “Chicken Legs” Martin (self-proclaimed ham) did not do his famous Chicken Hawk finish. Classic Benny Chicken Hawking means sprinting to the finish with nobody around and hawking the line, all for the sake of the camera. If anyone has a good photo of his Chicken Hawk in Hayward please send me a copy.

Next year’s race will offer an award for whoever can correctly count the number of manhole covers on the concrete section of the course. I stopped counting at 1,237.

Only one person, Bill Callas, fell into the six food deep crater at the base of Sibley Avenue. Fortunately he was not injured. Always thinking of others before himself, Bill stayed in the hole so people could safely skate over his flat head before getting out and finishing the race.

Great race everyone. Let’s make next year a full marathon.

Reported by:  Dan Collins