Collins Report: Apostle Islands Inline Marathon 2011


Disclaimer:  The following presentation by Dan Collins does not represent the views or opinions of, its owners, or affiliates.  In fact the following probably doesn’t represent anyone’s views or opinions.  Rather it is intended as a comedic and satirical piece purely for the enjoyment of those with a sense of humor.  In the event you do not have a sense of humor you should probably stop reading now.  “Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent to them and those who know them, especially

if the author has been kind enough to have provided their real names and, in some cases, their phone numbers. All events described herein actually happened, though on occasion the author has taken certain, very small, liberties with chronology, because that is his right as an American.”


NOTE: New Apostle Island Inline Marathon photos have been added to the Gallery – click here.

NOTE: Mike DeZellar’s Apostle Islands GoPro video has been added in a new post – definitely a must view.








Apostle Islands Inline Marathon 2011

By Dan Collins

The Apostle Islands Inline Marathon and Half Marathon and Third of a Marathon was a phenomenal success.  Over 400 skaters signed up to race on this beautiful course on Madeline Island.  It was a little wet, but that didn’t deter most.  A few were on the fence but only needed a thong adjustment and some brow beating to put on their skates.

Adam’s Inline dominated the top spots.  David Sargento Cheese took overall first with 1:14:24, Ty Fidler on the Roof took second with 1:14:25, Matt Meyer took third with 1:15:24.  Danny Frederick took the master’s first with 1:15:23.  Kara Peterson took the master’s female with 1:15:56.  How did they do it?  They did it with strategy—pure and simple.  What was their strategy?

Strategy #1: Fear. Adam’s crew and most of his team’s top competitors camped out on Madeline Island the night before the race.  As darkness closed in around campsites, everyone cozied up to their fires and told stories about a prehistoric caveman wandering the island.  To help things along, Matt Meyer took Swannie off his leash just after dusk to let him run loose and run around, salivating and jabbering his way through the woods between campsites and scaring the bejesus out of everyone.  They knew he wouldn’t physically harm anyone, but he would inflict some serious psychological damage on anyone he encountered.  At midnight he would come back for his bowl of kibbles and bits and bed down under the porch for a full night’s rest before the race.

Strategy #2: Nuisance. Danny Frederick of Adam’s Inline stopped at the Ashland Wal-Mart Friday afternoon and purchased 147 alarm clocks and 294 AA batteries.  The whole team gathered for dinner and spent two hours taking clocks out of the boxes, loading them with batteries and setting the time and timers.  After dinner each teammate grabbed a bagful of alarm clocks and their list of camps and headed out to make the rounds.  At each site they cozied up to the fire for a few minutes and spoon-fed the other skaters ego food.  For example, David would spout off with all the “You’re such a good skater…” lines and the “I don’t stand a chance against you tomorrow…” gibberish.  Skaters gobbled it all up like a pack of hyenas, then gave a soft gentle smile and looked to the ground while thanking David.  But each time they looked down, David would quickly toss an alarm clock into the woods near the tent.  After about six or seven compliments, and six or seven clocks tossed and ready to go off at all different times of the night, David offered final good luck wishes and moved onto the next campsite.  As he stepped away from each fire he would turn around and say, “Oh, by the way, did you hear the story about the wild Caveman on the island?” then disappear into the darkness.  Each Adam’s teammate made their rounds the same way and returned to their home base on the other side of the island…the quiet side.

Strategy #3: Distraction. Just before the Adam’s inline teammates made the rounds to visit campsites, they poured three cases of Leinenkugel Honey Weiss beer and eight bottles blueberry wine into several five gallon buckets.  They placed the buckets next to the island dump near the airport to prepare for strategy #3: distraction.  When they returned from their rounds and checked the dump, they found a medium sized black bear, drunk and passed out, laying next to the empty buckets.  They pulled out their razors, shaving cream, and a permanent black marker and did their work, then placed the bear at the halfway point on the course.

Strategic Results: The 8:30 start hosted a lot of tired, wired, frazzled, fearful skaters and a few well rested ones wearing test equipment.  When the gun went off, most skaters flinched, ducked and looked around in fear while a few in red took off.  At the halfway mark if any of the competition wasn’t dropped, they were distracted enough by a bear with a hangover, stumbling along the side of the road, chewing on cotton balls, completely shaved of all hair, with “BARE” written on its side.  As the competition skated by, tired and dazed, they stared at the bare bear and as they were distracted David, Ty, Danny, Matt and Kara attacked and established their formidable leads that brought them such good results.  That’s the Adam’s Inline Test Team’s winning strategy.








Race organizers, volunteers and sponsors did a phenomenal job building this race back up.  Two years ago it was in the critical care wing on a respirator.  Now it’s back with a vengeance.